Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."
Psalm 42:5 niv
It was getting so dark, cold, tight.
The weight on my shoulders was growing.
More, always more...
More to do,
More to be,
More to fix.
But I was doing the right things.... right?
I was reading my Bible every day.
I had praise music on my Pandora account.
I even listened to it and sang along.
I finished reading One Thousand Gifts and started my list.
I read Jesus Calling every morning and
try to focus on Jesus in the midst of my days.
I am reading A Praying Life and trying to pray more.
I am in a Salt and Light group
and am getting back into memorizing Scripture.
I thought I was doing everything right.
But I was sinking.
I didn't even realize it... at first.
But it got to the point yesterday that it was way to real to ignore.
This morning, I did what I always do:
I grabbed my iPod, my Bible, my notebook, Jesus Calling
and settled down into my chair.
And I was honest.
I told God that I couldn't feel Him and that I needed to.
Kim Walker was singing
into my ears and my heart was crying those
words back to Jesus.
And that's when I knew.
I had been hiding from God.
I had been talking to Him,
but I had fallen into my old pattern
of cleaning up what I was saying to Him.
I wasn't pouring out my heart to Him,
I was giving Him the Sunday School Cliff Notes
version of what was in my heart.
I was hiding, and pretending and trying to do it all myself.
And that is why I was sinking.
"My heart has heard You say,
'Come and talk with Me,'
and my heart responds,
'Lord, I am coming!'"
Psalm 27:8 nlt
I was taking truth and agreeing with it
and then trying to walk it out
in my own strength.
And then, when I was failing at it
I was ashamed, so I was hiding from God.
All the while, still trying,
still writing my list of gratitude,
still sharing with friends,
still going through the motions.
I am so thankful for the darkness of where I was
because it helped me see.
"I waited for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire.
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God."
Psalm 40:1-3 niv