Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Out of the Darkness

 

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, 
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."

Psalm 42:5 niv


It was getting so dark, cold, tight.

The weight on my shoulders was growing.

More, always more... 

More to do, 

More to be,

More to fix.

But I was doing the right things.... right?

I was reading my Bible every day.

I had praise music on my Pandora account.

I even listened to it and sang along.

I finished reading One Thousand Gifts and started my list.

I read Jesus Calling every morning and 
try to focus on Jesus in the midst of my days.

I am reading A Praying Life and trying to pray more.

and am getting back into memorizing Scripture.

I thought I was doing everything right.

But I was sinking.

I didn't even realize it... at first.

But it got to the point yesterday that it was way to real to ignore.

This morning, I did what I always do:
I grabbed my iPod, my Bible, my notebook, Jesus Calling
and settled down into my chair.

And I was honest.

I told God that I couldn't feel Him and that I needed to.

Kim Walker was singing 
into my ears and my heart was crying those 
words back to Jesus.

And that's when I knew.

I had been hiding from God.

I had been talking to Him,
but I had fallen into my old pattern 
of cleaning up what I was saying to Him.

I wasn't pouring out my heart to Him,
I was giving Him the Sunday School Cliff Notes 
version of what was in my heart.

I was hiding, and pretending and trying to do it all myself.

And that is why I was sinking. 


"My heart has heard You say, 
'Come and talk with Me,'
and my heart responds, 
'Lord, I am coming!'"

Psalm 27:8 nlt



I was taking truth and agreeing with it
and then trying to walk it out
in my own strength. 

And then, when I was failing at it
I was ashamed, so I was hiding from God.

All the while, still trying,
still praying,
still singing,
still writing my list of gratitude,
still sharing with friends,
 still going through the motions.

I am so thankful for the darkness of where I was
because it helped me see.


"I waited for the Lord; 
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire.
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, 
a hymn of praise to our God."

Psalm 40:1-3 niv




4 comments:

englisheduc said...

Oh, Christa, your words have truly spoken to me today. The scripture couldn't have been more perfect. Thank you, and please know that you are truly not alone in this feeling. My shoulders are heavy; I keep trying to put on the brave and happy front for everyone else, and I think that I'm giving it up to God, but feel like I'm going to be swallowed up at any moment if I'm not the one in "control".

Hang in there. God will provide, and merely by admitting these things, He hears us and fills us with what we need.

I love you, my friend.

Christa said...

God is so good. Always.

I am so thankful that He is taking this broken jar and pouring out His living water.

Thank you for your sweet comment. I would love to know who you are, I cannot tell from your screen name or profile. Feel free to email me privately, if you wish at granolamom 6 @ tampabay . rr. com (just remove the spaces)

Jade said...

I could very much relate to this post today...it is easy to hold back from God and do a lot of good work without being true to our hearts. I'm so glad you were able to notice this habit and be honest with Him...God bless you...:)

Melinda S said...

Christa

This is beautifully true for so many of us. And you nailed it right on the head - so often we think we can fool God like we fool our friends, even near and dear ones. I'm so glad that He just patiently waits for us to turn to Him with open hearts and pour it all out so He can stitch it back together.

Blessings my friend